Jay Part 1

I’ve decided I’m going to occasionally post little glimpses into the “long story” that is Jay. They won’t be in order, just little puzzle pieces partially to get me motivated to write our story (that I was supposed to start today and didn’t, big surprise). 

Is there such a thing as unconditional love? And if so, is it healthy?

I do think unconditional love exists. But I don’t think it’s always a good thing.

Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t only mean that you love them just the way they are. It means you will love them no matter what. Even if they change. Even if they no longer love you. Even if they are unfaithful.

I hold tight to the “I’ve never been in love” thing, but I’m not so sure. I had this sort of unconditional, and as a result, unhealthy, tie to Jay. I won’t say it was love. Because I don’t know. What I do know is that no matter what Jay did to me, no matter how many times he hurt me and said the most awful things, my feelings never wavered. Recently I was reading my old blog posts on livejournal from 2009 and I found this IM conversation I posted and wrote about. I edited parts of it out, I’m not sure why and it’s been so long that I don’t remember what it said or why we were even fighting. But this is something he said to me:

“you are repulsive, to be quite honest. and I’m only talking about your attitude. I seriously wanted to refrain from saying this, because, ys, I am te one who *something something something* and yes,*something something something*, but THIS right here, shows me how much I was right for doing it. You never fucking loved me or cared about me at all. this is showing it completely. this was exactly my reason for *something something something*, because I just can’t think of a type of person who would do the things you do, except for the people I try not to associate with because they are just incredibly self centred and they could care less about what they do to people. that’s how you are, it seems, and this right here is proving that I was right. I don’t care if that was the last chance you gave me and that you’ll never take me back, because I don’t want you back. you’ve done this to me so many times enough for me to see that you are not a nice person, and I’m really just honeslty sick of you”

This wasn’t the first time he spoke to me this way, and I later realized that I thrived on the way he treated me. When he said things like this I cried for days and my heart felt like it had been broken. But I looked forward to the days when he apologized and told me he loved me and that he was stupid and made a mistake and said all the sweet things that I know weren’t true but still somehow made me feel so great. When things were good with us, I got bored. The fights hurt, but I almost liked the pain that came along with it. And the make ups were amazing. Yes, I was that girl. I hate even admitting it because I’m so much smarter than that now. I’m the girl who doesn’t get attached, who breaks up with guys without thinking twice about it and who is content to be single. I know for sure that I’m not in love with Jay now, but he still has a weird hold on me. I don’t want him back but a part of me will always go running to him when we haven’t spoken for too long of a period. In my head I know that I don’t need him, but I still feel like I do. I don’t even want to post this because of how ridiculously needy and dependent I sound. If what I had with Jay is love then I don’t want that. I want stability. I don’t want to love someone unconditionally. If a man I love becomes abusive, physically or emotionally, I want to be able to stop loving him. Love should come with conditions and standards. That’s part of the reason I have such a rigorous checklist of what I look for now. My ex didn’t meet those standards and I broke up with him and I won’t regret it for a second. If nothing else, Jay taught me that I deserve better, and I know I’ll find it someday.

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